A Momma's Heart
Y'all, if you follow me, you know from a recent post that I dropped off my baby at Hardin Simmons University a few weeks back. This isn't anything new in the world of Momdom, but it was new to me. I think of that kind of thing a lot. Like, "so moms all over the world and through the years have done this same thing as I am doing right now and life goes on, its not that big of a deal." And, compared to so many things going on in the world, it really is a small thing. Thoughts like this help me keep life in perspective...lol.
Anyway, I dropped my baby off and I have some thoughts on the subject.
This drop off was different from my first born's drop off. First, he was a boy. we raise them instinctively for independence. I mean, I cried and struggled, but I was still busy with my baby at home and distracted. And...right after dropping him off is when I found out I had Lymphoma so his whole departure is clouded with so many other emotions.
But Molly. Whole different story!
She is my baby. Yes, I have two stepsons that I fully love and claim and both of them are still home (part time at our house). But they have a wonderful mom and I get to be the fun step-mom with them. The role is different. (I'll save this for another blog post!) Anyway, my baby...the one I'm sure I spoiled a bit more than I meant to, the one who has that tender spot in my heart because I knew she was the last baby to come from my body, the one who when little clung to my legs and sat so close to me on the couch I wondered if I might suffocate and never have alone time again, and the one who I was more relaxed as a mother with and didn't worry about baby schedules or homemade food or taking her out of the house when she was four days old. She was the one who just did life with me.
She is a girl. Yes, I raised her to be independent and strong, but the conversations were just different from the ones I had with her brother. They were deeper and had more layers. Also, I understand her tender heart and her fears, her hopes and desires. I mean, we are two totally different females, but I still get her! And, then there's the safety thing. I mean, she's a girl...God keep her safe, don't let her car break down at night on a dark road when she is all alone, and keep all the weird perverts away from her, Can I hear an amen? With girls, it's just different!
When we dropped her off, it was a flurry of decorating and meeting her roommate's family and running back and forth to Target. What a blur. I was handling it all so well. In fact, at one point Molly said to me, "I don't think you're going to cry mom." I actually whispered to Tommy that I was worried I might not cry and she would be upset and feel like dropping off Ty was harder on me than dropping her off. But, when we hugged her that last time, I did cry and the tears felt different. My mom always told me it felt like a piece of her heart was missing when she dropped us off at college, and she is right.
As we left, Tommy filled up the car, bought me a road pop (road pop or roadie??) and let me listen to whatever music I wanted to the whole ride home. He's great like that. Anyway, I recovered a bit and thought the goodbye was behind me, but when we pulled into our driveway, I lost it! I just sobbed and sobbed. I was a mess! I felt like something was over, finished before I was ready for it to end. A little dramatic, I know, but I tell you I physically felt like something was missing! Like I was emptier.
But, I tell you momma's, and praise Jesus, that feeling doesn't linger! It passes! That emptiness gets filled back up every time your baby calls to ask you anything from how much laundry detergent should I use, to how do I like my steak cooked. You fill up again when she sends you pictures of what she is wearing to school that day, and texts to tell you a guy waited for her after class so he could introduce himself. I tell you...Every. Single. Call. Text. And. Picture...fills you up!
And because she is away from you for the first time, SHE is calling you. SHE is texting you. SHE is sending you pictures...NOT the other way around! Y'all, it WAS NOT this way when she lived at home! Yes, we were close and we talked, but for the most part it felt like Tom and I were the ones always having to drag information out of her!
I am reminded of 2nd Timothy 1:14 which says, "Guard, through the Holy Spirit who dwells in us, the treasure which has been entrusted to you." I know this verse is speaking of the treasure of the Good News about salvation through personal faith through Jesus Christ. But, I also know we are to be good stewards of ALL that the Lord blesses us with, and that includes the raising of our children. So mommas, take heart, all those years when it feels like all we as mommas do is fill and fill and fill; if we are good stewards of our time and words and parenting moments, our Lord will ensure that we are blessed in the next chapter of Momdom...that chapter when they soar.